I Support You

I'm a huge fan of the "Tia and Tamera" show on the Style network. It documents the adult lives of famous twins Tia Mowry-Hardrict and Tamera Mowry-Housley of the 90's sitcom Sister, Sister. Recently, in preparation for the upcoming birth of her and her husband Adam's first child, Tamara began researching post-partum depression. She learned that mothers who have experienced depression in their lifetime are more susceptible to being depressed after the birth of the baby. Tamera revealed to her audience that she experienced a deep depression years ago which was triggered by a drastic change in her environment shortly after graduating college. Out of concern, Tamera found herself further researching post-partum depression as well as discussing the topic with friends and family. As a precaution, Tamera also brought her concerns to her spouse.

As she began to describe her concerns to Adam, it became clear to the viewer that Tamera was fearful of what she may experience emotionally following the birth of their son. She wanted Adam to be aware of the signs of post-partum depression so that he would be educated if she were to sink into a depression too deep to know what's best.

As Tamera begins sharing her concerns with Adam, it is very obvious that this topic has not crossed his mind. I wouldn't use the word unconcerned to describe his expression and he is certainly not smiling with his mouth, but there's definitely a lack of urgency there. (Perhaps the look of extreme contentment and relaxation on the face of an expectant father with no financial concerns). At one point, he cracks a smile and says something to the effect of "And you think this is going to happen to you?"

As I'm watching the scene, I'm inwardly anticipating the voice of reason. A voice that would say "You have nothing to worry about" or "That's silly, Tamera. You experienced depression so long ago!" Instead, Adam replies, "I support you."

I'm not sure why this scene impacted me so strongly. To be honest, this was my second or third time seeing this episode. Perhaps because he replied in a way that seemed completely left field for someone with my personality type (I'm extremely analytical and talkative at times). Either way, I must admit that I love, love, love this reply and I want to add it to my marital vocabulary more often.

In my marriage, I have definitely said I support you on much more than one occasion and I've received the same. But I can't help but think back to the times I said, "That doesn't make sense," or "That's silly," because an area of concern for my spouse was not an area of concern for me. How much more awesome would those moments have been had I replied with three simple words... I support you. Perhaps instead I used that time to be the voice of reason, the voice of concern, or the dreaded voice of NAG. Although helpful and meaning well, this voice is often unwelcome in these situations. Adam's desire to make his wife feel supported far outweighed his personal opinion of the matter.

So I ask you today, when was the last time you could have replied "I support you" but didn't?

I end this blog with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Not for its relevance, but for its significance:

**Continue to pray for me that I might go in peace
Continue to keep me lifted that I might go in spirit
Keep my name on your mind when you go to God next time
I need you to cover me.**

Support him, support her, support each other.

The Betterson's love you!

The Betterson's, Year #2

Okay, so we have to admit that we temporarily forgot about our blog. With the hustle and bustle of life, hobbies often take a back seat. But now that we're back, lets take some time to catch up. We last posted on July 22, 2011, which was 3 months and a day from our 1 year wedding anniversary. Fast forward to 3 months and 9 days from 2.5 years of marriage and things are still going well. God has done more in this two and a half years then we could have ever imagined and its only by the grace of God that we are walking in His abundance. I'm not talking about finances alone! I'm talking about the things that matter! An abundance of love, an abundance of peace, abundance in our ministries! But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and ALL these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33). And once we sought Him and Him alone, those "things" were added and He continues to add.

We've reached a milestone in our relationship. The question "Will we make it?" no longer exists. We still utter those 4 words, but never as they are. Those 4 words alone question the longevity of a promise made before God to stay together forever. We no longer question the longevity of the marriage. AND when you really have your mind made up, you don't use deep-sounding cliches such as "Divorce is not an option." Love does not seek out options or force itself to be around someone until death. Instead, love just lives and does it as one, just as God intended.

(Back to my original point), we still say "Will we make it?" but never as a final thought. It's always "Will we make it through?" or "Will we make it over?" or something like that, but the idea of not making it together is not considered nor is it visited and we continue to grow closer together. The glue that is God that holds this thing together is unfailing and faithful.

Our theme for 2013? Transcend dysfunction. The year of the bear down and push. Not in the natural, but in the spiritual. Just as a mother carries a baby for 9 months, bears down, pushes, and then holds what she carried, it is the same in the spirit. Bear down and push out your vision, your dream, your purpose, your goals. That thing you keep talking about doing, but never do, just bear down and push it out together with God as your help. As a married couple, you wont have all the same goals, but you should have some common ones... but that's a different topic altogether. (Perhaps for next time). MAKE IT HAPPEN IN 2013! We love you, thanks for reading.

What can I do today to make you happy?

Deuteronomy 24:5 in the King James Version of the Holy Bible reads "When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken."  Sounds extreme?  Not so much at a time where most households were supported with their needs by the fruit of the earth.  Nowadays, husbands may find taking a year away from work to make his wife happy a little more challenging.  The important message is that God charges every married couple with two very important tasks in this scripture. 

My husband focuses on the portion of this scripture that says "cheer up."  In applying it to his requirement as a husband, he recalls the sadness that I experienced with transitioning from the church of my childhood.  I missed the people that I had grown to see as spiritual mothers and fathers and I cringed at the thought of being anywhere else.  As much as they were missed, I found that they turned their back on me due to some disagreement with my decision to follow my husband.  As a single woman, I believed the ultimate blessing was to become the wife of one husband.  I thank God for causing that blessing to come to pass, however the one thing that no one ever tells you is when you do your "single and saved" life the right way, there is a mourning process at its loss.  The position held by this daddy's girl's father, also changed after marriage, and my dad was the one to break that news to me.  Although this was the happiest time of my life, there were plenty of adjustments very early on that brought me to this present place of contentment. 

It was only my husband that could dry those tears and make me continually feel complete while experiencing separation in so many areas.  The word cheer means a shout of encouragement, approval, or congrats.  I thank God for a husband that is a Preacher, Praiser, Exhorter, and Musician.  In other words, it took more than a whisper to pull me out of what I was feeling for those first few months.  It was good to be able to lean and depend on somebody.  Husbands, take a year to minister to your wife's emotions.  Make sure that she is happy and content with her life and constantly looking for the next thing that God will do for both of you.  Be the one person that can look at her smile and tell when it's fake or look at her tears and comfort her then tease her for being overly dramatic and make her laugh.  That's love, that's connection, that's what it feels like to be one.

As the wife, I focus on the portion of scripture that says "he shall be free at home."  I remember around August or September of 2010, I began preparing my home for the arrival of my husband.  Of course, he had been over to the house before and saw the rooms, however he had not had the opportunity to look at the house as anything other than "T's Crib."  I wanted him to have the ability to see it as home.  I looked at my closet with clothes stuffed to maximum capacity ranging from sizes 10-18, and I realized that my husband would need a place to put his clothes.  I had to make a decision to purge my "just in case I lose the weight clothes," (or at least most of them).  I also began learning some of his favorite recipes.  I made room in the bookshelf for his Bibles and books.  I took my Bluetooth charger out of the outlet that was close to the bed so that he'd have a place to charge his cell phone along with mine.  My prayer was that these little things would allow my husband to feel at home and be free while he was here.

There is always a challenge when a man or woman marries someone that serves as a Minister or Evangelist in the church.  When I come home, I don't want to be Evangelist Betterson.  I want to be Tonya, or better yet, Ladybug (that's what he calls me).  When my husband comes home, he doesn't want to be Minister Betterson or Minister of Music.  He wants to be Errin, or better yet, Bear (that's what I call him).  Home is the place where my husband can be free to be vulnerable, transparent, sad, angry, and many of the other emotions that we don't always feel comfortable showing in front of the audience that we minister before.  Home is the place where he can take off his suit, put on his basketball shorts, and play his Xbox.  Home is the place where we can share our dreams and visions and even do some cutting up when no one is looking.  (smile)

Wives, grant your husband the gift of freedom at home.  Let him have his days where he does what he wants to do or has friends over and I'm sure he'll give you your days to do the same.  The opposite of being free is to be bound and a husband that is bound at home seeks out a place to be free.  Think about it.

Stay blessed and we love you!

Pray, Pray, and Pray Some More!!!

There's something so awesome about all of the firsts that come along with being newly married.  Not the ones that probably come to mind initially such as first home and first child.  I'm thinking more about those special moments when you first look at your left hand and say, "WOW, are we really married?"  Or when you first have to introduce your spouse to someone by introducing them as my husband or my wife.  Or when you finally come to the realization that you are no longer two separate people, but one complete person that HAS to work.  Yes, that's right!  Although, we don't hear it much anymore, once you take those vows before God and Family, it HAS to work.  My husband and I went into our marriage with the motto "Divorce is not an option," keeping in mind neither party has any desire to commit adultery.  :  )

During our wedding, our Pastor (Overseer Hayward Hamilton of Conquering Power Church of Deliverance in Philadelphia, PA) made remarks that forever changed the lives of myself, my husband, and many of our guests that day.  He said, "Never stop praying.  Pray together.  Pray apart.  But never stop.  This is absolutely imperative in making a marriage work."  I Thessalonians 5:17 of the Holy Bible states that we should Pray without ceasing.  Sounds easy?  I didn't find it to be so after I said my I do's.

Before marriage, prayer came easy.  Wake up... pray.  Go to work... pray at lunch.  Come home... pray some more.  Didn't feel like cooking?  Declare a fast and pray some more.  Wake up 2 or 3 in the morning?  Pray again.  This was my life as a single and saved woman that was holding onto God's Promise of one day being found by someone great.  Now after marriage, things were a little different.  Wake up, spend time with The Mr.  Go to work, call The Mr. at lunch.  Come home, spend time with The Mr.  Didn't feel like cooking?  Oh well, The Mr. is hungry, and now we clean the kitchen after cooking for the purpose of being extra impressive to the new spouse.  Wake up 2 or 3 in the morning?  Not even happening... do you see my schedule?  I was exhausted!!!  :  )

One day I realized that my prayer life had gone from all the time to not at all.  If you've ever been curious about the importance of prayer, pray regularly and then just stop one day.  I thought it was my prayer life that kept me, but I realized that these small conversations with God were responsible for so much more.  It was prayer that made me tolerable, it was prayer that gave me a light to shine before men, it was prayer that gave me encouraging words for anyone that needed them, it was prayer that provided me with discernment, and it was prayer that kept me in touch with the God that I serve.  Without prayer, I was mean, impatient, confused, full of incorrect assumptions, paranoid, on edge, and all kinds of terrible.  I didn't exhibit this behavior with my co-workers and friends only but also with my husband who I loved so dearly and had unknowingly placed in front of God.

I took for me to recall a testimony that my former Pastor used to tell often about his first years of marriage.  At the end of his testimony, he would quote a scripture that said Do not worship any other god, for the lord whose name is jealous, is a jealous God (Exodus 34:14).  That scripture allowed me to remember that my husband loved me because I put God before him.  We know God as Provider, Banner, Peace, Wonderful, and all of the picture perfect names that we love to quote, but do you know him as Jealous?  But I'm so thankful that the mercy of a jealous God still loved me enough to correct me.

My husband and I shared this concern and talked about it.  And (believe it or not) two ministers had to reintroduce prayer back into their marriage.  Because we're still newlyweds, we still seek that place of consistent prayer together, but we find that praying regularly apart and coming together as often as possible is working.  The old church mothers used to say, "When you call on His Name, somethings gotta change!"  Thanks be to God, we see that change today.

Stay Blessed People of God.

In the beginning, God...

I've never written a blog before, but there is a first time for everything.  I'm excited about the opportunity to share our story and prayerfully encourage those that take the time to read it.  If there is anything that I would like for you to take from this blog, it is that if you take the time to try serving the Lord, and fully trust Him, He'll never let you down.  As long as He continues to bless me, I'll never cease telling whomever will take the time to listen. 

My husband, Minister Errin Betterson and I were married on Saturday, October 23, 2010.  It was the happiest day of our lives!  We were well aware that we didn't have much money and we didn't have many resources, but we wanted to do what was right in God's eyes and make vows to each other that we would remain together.  We didn't have the conventional get on one knee, present a ring, cry, call friends and family type of engagement.  Instead, we one day asked ourselves in conversation, "What are we waiting for?"  In the process of that conversation, we addressed multiple doors of our lives that we wanted to close before choosing to bring someone else through them.  It was in that conversation that we gained understanding of the depth, width, and height of love.  Our love for each other was big enough to cover anything that could come against us.  My soon to be husband then leaned forward and stuck his pinky finger out.  He said, "Give me your pinky."  I extended my pinky finger as well and he intertwined his with mine and said, "No matter where we are in life, no matter what we're doing...  whether we find ourselves in a big church, in the court office, or in our Pastor's office, we will get married on October 23, 2010."  (The 23rd marked 2 years of dating for us).  We made this promise around April 2010. 

As a soon to be bride, it didn't take long to realize there was a lack of planning time.  I thought of possibly ending our engagement and discussed this with Errin.  He simply answered my concerns with one statement...  "Well babe, we walk by faith, not by sight.  Isn't that what the Word says?"  And I replied, "THAT'S our wedding's theme!"  From that point on, our wedding day was promoted from a Cinderella dream to a vision given by God.  We found God moving in our finances and on our personal situations.  God continually made ways and opened doors until October 23, 2010 when I found myself in a white dress, wearing an engagement ring, awaiting a wedding band, at my father's side, with a wedding party of 14, walking down the aisle to "For Every Mountain" and thinking "I can't believe that even the Lord was able to pull this one off.  God you are so awesome!"  We said I do, and found ourselves on honeymoon for 10 days!  Puerto Rico's El Conquistador for 7 of them!  I'll telll you, when God does something, He really does it!  And from that point forward, we began our lives together.  Has it been easy?  NOPE!  Has he ever walked out?  YUP!  Have I?  YUP!  Do we make dumb mistakes?  ALL THE TIME!  Most importantly, are we in love?  YES!  Is God the glue that keeps this couple together?  YES!  Even in the midst of an arguement, love always brings you back together when it is true. 

I'm excited about this blog serving as our personal testimony service of how God provides, moves, thinks well towards us, extends his abundant mercy, and continues to blow our minds.  Hope you enjoy it!  Stay Blessed...